The last few months have been a lot of adulting. Part of it is moving to a new state, a new job, but a lot more is just shit I’ve been avoiding by living in a dorm and devoting my life to skiing. Where every day you skied until you could barely stand, then you’re fed a plate of Gambas al ajillo and you pass out. I’ve been doing a lot of standing in line. A lot of wearing the hat. Commuting. Forms. Licensing. I work for the state, so there’s ten times as many forms. Safety check. Fuel Card. Highway Protocol.
It’s not bad. It’s not necessarily good, either. It just is. This is what I’m doing. I’m conforming. I’m learning. I’m applying. It’s a pretty crazy time moving somewhere new. Trying something new. So much change, how do you find you balance? How do you keep an even keel when the seas around you turn upside down?
I don’t think I have an answer for you here. I’m not sure I’ve been doing it. I mean I guess you have your habits, your comfort zones, your experience to draw from, but it seems like a big part of the process is breaking apart. Becoming something new. You’re growing. It’s not always obvious, or easy, or enjoyable. But then you get a glimpse of this new thing you’re building with your life and it’s worth it. It’s inspiring. You’re stoked.
What I wanted to point out here, is what goes on with your self during this whole process. Or more accurately, to just shine some light on how the self grows, adapts, refines, and regresses. During these periods of change your self gets put in some really open and vulnerable positions. Sometimes it rises to a new level, one you haven’t seen before and don’t really recognize. Other times it’s backed into a corner, forced to defend a position it no longer supports or understands, it can make you squirm in discomfort and embarrassment. Eventually the self picks up some new skills, some new understanding, lets go of others, and sheds its skin in order to become a new version of itself.
There are parts that will always be you. That you’ll never be able to get rid of. Parts that will always shape your experiences. As you grow older, as you continue to put yourself out into the world and experience new and different things, you’ll begin to recognize these things. Some of them you’ll love, some of them you’ll hate, others you’ll wish to cultivate.
The point is this: after months of jumping through these hoops, slowly turning into this individual I don’t always recognize, one who’s licensed to build explosives and drive commercial vehicles, I’ve realized they can NEVER take my license to chill. That no matter what you do or where you go. YOU will shine through, your self will set the path for you, in a way. Make friends with it, I guess, is my advice. It might show you a good time.