Tag: Change

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Evolutions

Change happens.

You don’t have to advocate for it, embrace it, or even instigate it. Change is inevitable. That said, sometimes we want change. Sometimes we need it. I made some big changes in my life in the last year. Sometimes, when you do this, it’s exciting and invigorating. But after the initial buzz of a big change things settle, they simmer, and it’s then you can begin to smell the real flavor of your ingredients, and what the hell this grand thing you’ve been cooking up might taste like. You can never really and truly know the full extent of your decisions ahead of time. You can weigh options, make a pros and cons list. Consider and reconsider. But eventually you have to jump in and swim through the reality of what you’ve chosen.

I’m not trying to be dramatic, only to paint a picture of how much I’ve changed my life in this last year, and how much it means I find myself considering what that means for me now, what it means for my future, basically just how it might play out.

Continue reading “Evolutions”
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Koyaanisqatsi

It has become so easy to believe that we hold dominion over the world. That we are in control. That the forces that gave us life can be bent and shaped by our will. In our personal lives we encounter hardships that can slow, or sometimes stop us, but we have faith that we will persevere, that we will emerge on the other side stronger, stripped away of what is non essential.

But this isn’t always the case.

There is so much of this world that is bigger than us, stronger than us, so much that will outlast us, that all we can do is hold on, find our center, and do our best.

This is faith.

Our world is changing. It doesn’t matter what you believe in or who you think might save it. Whether it’s illness or war or climate change or any other crisis we face, we cannot expect that our lives will not be disturbed, that we can go on as we always have.

We have to make changes.

We have to disrupt the very systems we rely on. We will have to suffer or go without, there is no other way around. We cannot have it all. We can wait until the bitter end, until our systems are stressed and our security broken, until our air is choked and our water is poisoned, until our family is sick and our loved ones are dying, or,  we can think ahead.

We can act.

We can sacrifice and adapt so that the most vulnerable among us might be spared the most damaging consequences. None of us asked for this responsibility, none of us want it, but it is our fate. We have to find compassion for the process, solidarity for our sacrifices, or we will be stranded alone.

This is our world. A life out of balance. 

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Self

The last few months have been a lot of adulting. Part of it is moving to a new state, a new job, but a lot more is just shit I’ve been avoiding by living in a dorm and devoting my life to skiing. Where every day you skied until you could barely stand, then you’re fed a plate of Gambas al ajillo and you pass out. I’ve been doing a lot of standing in line. A lot of wearing the hat. Commuting. Forms. Licensing. I work for the state, so there’s ten times as many forms. Safety check. Fuel Card. Highway Protocol.

It’s not bad. It’s not necessarily good, either. It just is. This is what I’m doing. I’m conforming. I’m learning. I’m applying. It’s a pretty crazy time moving somewhere new. Trying something new. So much change, how do you find you balance? How do you keep an even keel when the seas around you turn upside down?

I don’t think I have an answer for you here. I’m not sure I’ve been doing it. I mean I guess you have your habits, your comfort zones, your experience to draw from, but it seems like a big part of the process is breaking apart. Becoming something new. You’re growing. It’s not always obvious, or easy, or enjoyable. But then you get a glimpse of this new thing you’re building with your life and it’s worth it. It’s inspiring. You’re stoked.

What I wanted to point out here, is what goes on with your self during this whole process. Or more accurately, to just shine some light on how the self grows, adapts, refines, and regresses. During these periods of change your self gets put in some really open and vulnerable positions. Sometimes it rises to a new level, one you haven’t seen before and don’t really recognize. Other times it’s backed into a corner, forced to defend a position it no longer supports or understands, it can make you squirm in discomfort and embarrassment. Eventually the self picks up some new skills, some new understanding, lets go of others, and sheds its skin in order to become a new version of itself.

There are parts that will always be you. That you’ll never be able to get rid of. Parts that will always shape your experiences. As you grow older, as you continue to put yourself out into the world and experience new and different things, you’ll begin to recognize these things. Some of them you’ll love, some of them you’ll hate, others you’ll wish to cultivate.

The point is this: after months of jumping through these hoops, slowly turning into this individual I don’t always recognize, one who’s licensed to build explosives and drive commercial vehicles, I’ve realized they can NEVER take my license to chill. That no matter what you do or where you go. YOU will shine through, your self will set the path for you, in a way. Make friends with it, I guess, is my advice. It might show you a good time.

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The Evolution of an Approach.

I’m home. Or as close to it as I can really get. What is home for anyone really – where you live? Where you are alive? Too many cliches about your heart or your hat… For the past week I’ve been with family and more than anywhere else, this feels like home. It’s not the place, the place is familiar in that visceral and sometimes oppressive way that where you grow up can be. No, home is family, it’s that bedrock of strength and support that is unwavering, that without, you become truly homeless. It’s the place you call or scamper to when you’re in trouble, it’s the people you call on when you need help, or return to when they need you.

Home is where you go to reconnect with the person you were, the one who helped make you who you are today. It’s been a little over a year since I’ve been here, that’s about my rotation, and with all the movement and change my life has seen in the past year, coming home is in so many ways just what I needed. A chance to check in with myself, my history, my present and future, to offer support and presence, to gather ideas and encouragement for the way forward. A lot has changed in the practical and emotional ways I live and experience life this last year, and taking a moment to better understand and appreciate what is happening has helped me take advantage of this momentum to keep my life moving in what I hope to be a positive direction. Is it? Well, only time will tell, but you may as well judge too. The approach is changing. Continue reading “The Evolution of an Approach.”