Measure of Man

Talk is cheap, and the only true way to measure a man is by his actions. But there is a connection between one’s thoughts, words, and deeds that ultimately, I believe, begins with the word. Just what that connection is, and how far it can take us, however, is something I’m still struggling to discover, something, ironically enough, I’m still not positive it’s actually possible to explain with speech. But I can try.

The Thoughtless.

Without speech, without language, could thought exist? Before you answer, I have to ask in addition, is it possible to act without thought, to carry out a task or action out of habit or impulse, without thought or consideration, driven by something other than insight, whether that be by emotion or compulsion?

For some time I have wondered this, what my thoughts would look like, would feel like if I had no language to define them. This is not something I have really considered, that is to say, this is not something I’ve actually ventured to find an answer to, partially because I don’t believe one exists, but also, I think, because somewhere inside I’m afraid that the answer would require a deep and fundamental deconstruction of my thoughts and beliefs, a look into myself deeper, so far, than I’ve cared to or felt capable of.

So, for all my wonderings I have very little to hold up. Not that this bothers me really, it’s a lot like fishing, that is to say that sometimes it’s enjoyable simply to consider, simply to wonder at the unfathomable, to guess and question that which appears so much larger, deeper, and different than you. But I do have an idea, or perhaps an inclination is a better term for it. Because, just like fishing, sometimes when you have consigned yourself to failure, when you have acknowledged that you may not accomplish the task at which you aim, your goal strikes with surprise, or simply jumps into your lap.

Music brought me to this understanding; the idea that yes, thought can exist outside of language. But even when I say this, in the back of my mind I hear a weary voice muttering, “it’s emotion stupid, music evokes emotion, not thought”. But something keeps kicking me forward, urging me in this direction, and I feel there may be truth to this, that it may be the thread that leads to an unraveling, like how we ask, “How does that sound” to ask another what they think about an idea. Tenuous I know, but it’s thoughts like these that keep me pushing in this direction. Music has great power, to make us cry or shout with joy, it has the power to move us, to be tied to memories and events that would otherwise be forgotten. And there is something so subtle about music, intangible like the idea of color, that makes it seem less like an object than a medium. Like how difficult it is to describe color to the blind, or music to the deaf, how do we begin to define thought to the speechless?

Taking a step back, away from the influence and idea of music, back to the idea of thoughtlessness, I want to start over. I want to begin again with the Buddhist concept of the Noble Eightfold Path, where Right View, Intention, and Speech come before Right Action, Livelihood, and Concentration. This has always affected me, like another faded piece of evidence that in order to act correctly, even by our own definition, we must begin by thinking correctly, that is to say, hateful speech and actions are born of hateful thoughts and ideas, just as noble speech and actions are born from a state of mind that nurtures the same.

This is not to say that some of us are born with good thoughts or good intentions while others are born with bad ones, but that much like the nature versus nurture argument, it is possible to encourage a lifestyle or your choosing by beginning with the environment you cultivate in your mind.

There is so much interconnection here that it’s difficult to pull away individual pieces without tugging at the entirety. Because so often the state of mind that we cultivate is so deeply affected by the things we see and hear throughout our lives. Much like scary movies give us nightmares, or beautiful poems evoke feelings of love and nostalgia, every moment, every interaction has its effect on our personality, our thoughts and actions. But just the same we have our habit of carrying with us our thoughts and preconceptions to each new experience and encounter, often unfortunately resulting in our ability to truly take advantage of the uniqueness that each new experience has to offer.

All this rambling is only my way of insinuating that yes, I believe it very possible to deceive ourselves, to use language, thought, and speech to ends both good and bad, to act both with and without the advantage of thought, of Right View and that often, when we do, it is because we will it, because we wish to deceive even ourselves from who or what we may really be or wish to be. Excuse me for the verbal diarrhea but I’m only trying to say that I think that we, as humans, especially in today’s world, have become very good at trying to do good, trying to act right and do well, but convincing ourselves that there’s only so much we can do, that ultimately we are bound to fail, that we apply this to our view and relationship with the environment, the economy, our love of others, and even our own happiness. I think this is incredibly sad and dangerous, and having seen it in myself I am tragically heartbroken to acknowledge that I am not immune.

That we may at one time understand our position, our abilities and options, while simultaneously sabotaging it for fear that we may fail, that we cannot accomplish something is so sad and unfortunate I cannot even begin to comprehend. Take for example our society’s view of the environmental crisis: we are currently on the brink of altering the Earth irrevocably, of destroying a diversity of life and threatening many others but find ourselves largely unable to act in a manner proportional to the problem. In large part this is due to our accustomed comforts, but also very much to our internal and external rhetoric, that we tell ourselves the task is too large, that something bigger, whether social or technological is imminent and will come to save us, and even more often we tell ourselves that ultimately all life is destined to end, and that the path we’re on is predetermined and out of our control, that things will run it’s course and there is nothing we can really do.

This last concept is one that holds so much confliction, and one we rely on to define much of our existence. The old fate versus freedom idea, but in light of our environmental crisis we are using it to condone our actions and impact on the freedom and mortality of many other forms of life.

This is all only to offer an example of one of the many ways we use our thoughts to deceive ourselves daily. Of how we maintain this internal dialogue to convince ourselves that we are ultimately helpless or not in control, and that the actions we take every day, like burning fossil fuels or consuming food grown by commercial agriculture or goods created by indentured servitude are acceptable in the larger picture. Again, this is a way of saying that yes, we can act thoughtlessly, even if a thoughtless action is nothing more than a deception, a way of telling ourselves if we do not acknowledge something, or think about it, we can act outside of it.

Until recently, I’m not sure I would have acknowledged this to be true. I think I would have argued that every one of our actions is ultimately deliberate, thoughtful, and intentional. But then I did something that I’m still struggling to reason, something I still can’t explain, and while I dig and uncover, and desperately attempt to figure out why, I have to accept that there may have been a degree of thoughtlessness, of deception to myself in my actions. That this artifice could have originated not simply in an individual action but long before as a seed of doubt, deception and lack of trust to myself, in my own patterns of thought and ideas, well all this is somehow more scary than simply admitting I fucked up, and I continue to dig and uncover it cause, it’s root, it’s explanation and meaning.

The Thoughtful

If it is truly possible to act without thought, or more simply, to be thoughtless, then does the opposite hold true? It is also possible to be well-intentioned, well-understood, well meaning, and for it simply all to break down at the last moment of action? Of course we know the answer to be yes, but I think that is avoiding the real complimentary question, the idea that we have the ability to misunderstand even our own thoughts that seem so personal and concrete.

Before looking into this I want to first revisit and expand upon my reason for these questions in the first place: to ask what is the connection between thought and action, that if a man may be measured best by his actions, does it then follow that the most virtuous man is also the most thoughtful? To this I think we also can answer easily, except that now the answer is no, for I believe we all understand the reality that some of the most outwardly moral or convicted men may also be some of the most troubled and conflicted. Again, this is something I might not have understood not too long ago, but that I now feel to be true as a result of my actions, that they have in a way scared me straight, and make me wish to do no future wrongdoing, no matter how minor.

But I have to wonder then also, if it was an action that encouraged me to think this way, where would the course of an opposite thought lead, if one were to attempt to uphold themselves to an unadulterated purity of thought and action, what would be the result? Easy and early self-condemnation appears to be the answer. For example, some strict Buddhists forbid themselves from walking outside after a rain to avoid stepping on worms and ending their lives.

So if we cannot expect ourselves to abide or be content with a stringent moral accountability, and we are let down by allowing ourselves to deviate from our own standards too widely and too often, all that’s left then is of course the middle ground, the attempt to do our best, to be thoughtful, considerate, and upstanding in actions with the understanding that we will fail, we will make mistakes, that our highest and most proud accomplishments will have their matches in the lowest and most unfortunate tragedies, and that these will all be defined largely by no one but ourselves.

Again, in an attempt to tie this all together, what then is the connection and derivation of our word, our thoughts, and our actions? And working backwards, how can I expect to understand my actions without having words or thoughts to define them?

I half expected, or hoped, that by writing through this I might come up with an additional insight, as I often do. Beginning with a question, often of what to do, and working through it, thought by thought, word by word, for me, often leads to resolution, but I have do admit I feel no closer to understanding than when I began this introspection, and again, for this I am scared that I may never truly understand, or never truly have an explanation, if even only for myself.

Before I end, I have to include the only few things that so far I have not acknowledged, that being that I have hope that somewhere, prior to acting, in our thoughts and ideas, there lies a truth, and even if after we act we understand our actions to be mistakes, even if we feel as if we have deceived ourselves, I hope we can acknowledge the reality that the concepts we hold to be true have a way of changing, evolving, and dissolving. That is to say, I have to hope and understand that while my actions may be tied to beliefs and thoughts of their own, that they may not necessarily be true, that they might be wrong and misguided. If that sounds like a fancy way of saying ‘be open minded’ I think you’re right, but I also mean to imply that something, call it our subconscious or whatever, has a way of imparting its will and subsequently, our actions. Whether it imparts it will due to fear, desire, or anger, I cannot say, and I’m sure is different for everyone every time, but I have to believe that it’s true, and that also, it plays a role in our ability to mislead ourselves.

If I’m stumbling over myself I’m sorry, but I only mean to say that when we find ourselves dealing with the consequences of actions that we don’t believe to reflect our true selves, our beliefs and ideals, there seems little else to do but let go of those misguided thoughts and actions, and allow your true self to accumulate, whether that be by deed, by thought, or by word.

Talk may be cheap, but sometimes, it’s all you have, and when that is the case, even if it is only by recognizing you made a mistake, that your actions did not, do not, or no longer align with your beliefs, than that is your offering; to yourself, or those around you, it makes no difference. But if that is all you have than honor it, respect it, and give it freely, it is called an apology, and it is at once a word, a belief, and an action, and it is the first step towards the reconciliation and reunion of these three elements.