Muster
mus·ter /ˈməstər/
verb
- Assemble, especially for inspection or preparation.
- Collect or assemble, a number or amount.
Merino Muster
Self
The last few months have been a lot of adulting. Part of it is moving to a new state, a new job, but a lot more is just shit I’ve been avoiding by living in a dorm and devoting my life to skiing. Where every day you skied until you could barely stand, then you’re fed a plate of Gambas al ajillo and you pass out. I’ve been doing a lot of standing in line. A lot of wearing the hat. Commuting. Forms. Licensing. I work for the state, so there’s ten times as many forms. Safety check. Fuel Card. Highway Protocol.
It’s not bad. It’s not necessarily good, either. It just is. This is what I’m doing. I’m conforming. I’m learning. I’m applying. It’s a pretty crazy time moving somewhere new. Trying something new. So much change, how do you find you balance? How do you keep an even keel when the seas around you turn upside down?
I don’t think I have an answer for you here. I’m not sure I’ve been doing it. I mean I guess you have your habits, your comfort zones, your experience to draw from, but it seems like a big part of the process is breaking apart. Becoming something new. You’re growing. It’s not always obvious, or easy, or enjoyable. But then you get a glimpse of this new thing you’re building with your life and it’s worth it. It’s inspiring. You’re stoked.
What I wanted to point out here, is what goes on with your self during this whole process. Or more accurately, to just shine some light on how the self grows, adapts, refines, and regresses. During these periods of change your self gets put in some really open and vulnerable positions. Sometimes it rises to a new level, one you haven’t seen before and don’t really recognize. Other times it’s backed into a corner, forced to defend a position it no longer supports or understands, it can make you squirm in discomfort and embarrassment. Eventually the self picks up some new skills, some new understanding, lets go of others, and sheds its skin in order to become a new version of itself.
There are parts that will always be you. That you’ll never be able to get rid of. Parts that will always shape your experiences. As you grow older, as you continue to put yourself out into the world and experience new and different things, you’ll begin to recognize these things. Some of them you’ll love, some of them you’ll hate, others you’ll wish to cultivate.
The point is this: after months of jumping through these hoops, slowly turning into this individual I don’t always recognize, one who’s licensed to build explosives and drive commercial vehicles, I’ve realized they can NEVER take my license to chill. That no matter what you do or where you go. YOU will shine through, your self will set the path for you, in a way. Make friends with it, I guess, is my advice. It might show you a good time.
The Horizon
I can see it, just faintly, and far off ahead. It started off as a ripple, just a wave in the smooth unbroken line, but something caught my eye. Maybe it was the light, there was a short time early in the morning when the rising sun would illuminate a few jagged peaks, a curious fold in the landscape. It drew me in.
Bursting the Bubble
You’re going to need a tool. Something sharp, something you trust, something you believe in. This could be an object, but it should be something you’ve known for a while, something handmade, maybe even passed down. It could be a concept, but it can’t be an idea, it’s got to be a belief, something you’ve learned, tried, experienced, applied. Something you know is real and true.
You’re going to want to get comfortable, you need to get as close to the bubble as you can. You can be sitting or standing, even lying down, but just know it’s going to take a little time, so you don’t want to cramp up or sneeze or move too quickly. Find the edge of the bubble and get so close to it you can smell it’s slightly burning, chemical odor. It’s not easy to find the edge of the bubble, a lot of times it’s hidden or built right into your surroundings. The trick is to create, it doesn’t matter what or how, just that you make something new, that you feel the spark, bring something to life in your mind and then in the world. This is how you come to see the edges of the bubble, the one you’ve been living in, the ones trapping others.
Get as close as you can, but be careful of your breath or bushing the side of the bubble, we want to break it, but if we go too quick it won’t have the desired effect. It’s fragile and illusive, we want to go slow so we can see it stretch and bend, so we can see how it’s formed so we can recognize other, thinner bubbles in the future, so we can warn people of their own and avoid making our own again. Take your tool, your weapon, and wet it’s sharp end in your mouth, this will allow it to penetrate the bubble before breaking it. Hold it right up to your eye and gently touch your weapon to it’s surface, ever so lightly. Watch the surface of the bubble take in the weapon and see how part of it is passed through the other side. See how easy it is to penetrate but how difficult to know when you’re through, how the thin film encompasses any shape if you match it’s texture.
Gently push and pull on your tool and see the surrounding film bulge and flex, how the reflections are distorted, this is how we see the illusion of reality the bubble offers. Slowly spin your object and see the surrounding film pulled with the force of your centrifuge.
Soak this in, look closely and learn as much as you can, for when the bubble pops it is gone in an instant, and you’re left to your memory to recreate it. Push gently until the edge of the bubble approaches the dry area of your weapon, go very slowly now.
Keep your eyes open. Really this is impossible, because the breaking of the bubble, no matter how slow or prepared, is always enexpected and somehow terrifying. Push the weapon through so slowly you can’t even tell if it’s moving, watch as closely as you can.
There it was, the snap, did it tear like a balloon? It splashed you in a mocking way. You can feel it on your face and hand, like it’s tried to shrink wrap you but you feel more like you’ve been born. Look around, you’re free, open, you’re out. Take a moment to remember the bubble, what it looked like from within, it’s color and smell, that special sheen because, again, you want to recognize when you might pass through the bubbles of others, of our own. Welcome to life outside the bubble, things will be different but you’ll quickly learn to adapt, find your footing, and create in new ways.
Keep your eyes open for new bubbles and especially those of others, of stepping inside and seeing what they see, of feeling what they feel. So many of us are trapped in bubbles, we can’t see and need help getting out. But this is harder yet, not because it’s any different but because the tools are often hidden or difficult to make, but that’s exactly what you’ve got to do. Think hard and see the right tool before it exists, focus your mind, imagine it in your hand, slowly pearcing the thin film… Now get to work.
Mountains of Love
Love is great. I don’t mean to be overly cheesy here but love is just such an awesome part of out lives. We have love for people, for places, even for activities and objects, things that we hold dear. Love grows, and fades, we find it and lose it, but love has a very special way of imprinting itself on our lives so that even when it’s gone we can recall its power and importance. In this way love has a way of reminding us who we are, who we were, and who we want to be.
Perspective
Last time I was here I was rambling on, wondering about the connection between Movement and Growth, what it is that encourages us to seek out change through new locations and experiences. I don’t really think I got anywhere with those thoughts but sometimes it’s just about getting the ball rolling. Well here I am, half a world away from home, from my real home in New Hampshire as well as my adopted one in Utah, and little by little I’m starting to gain the some perspective. Perspective of my homes, my place in them, their meaning to me, their gifts and opportunities, as well as their problems and shortcomings. I won’t lie, to me, a lot of the time, the world seems like a fucked up crazy place on the cusp of bursting or burning up. But it’s hard to remove yourself from the world, especially your own, to get the perspective you need to know if this is true, or what can be done about it. Sometimes the easiest way to get a new perspective is to actually step back and walk around to the other side. Travel and perspective go hand in hand, and to sometimes all it takes is a little movement to get the perspective you need to see if things are really as bad as you think, or why, or what might be done to help. Continue reading “Perspective”
Movement and Growth
What is it about horizons, our need to meet them, to explore what’s beyond? What is it about greener pastures, about breaking out in order to move forward, to improve?
I’m trying something new this summer, and when pressed about it I’m not always able to say exactly why. It’s the right time? Just trying a new path? In many ways what I’m doing now isn’t so different from what I’ve been up to, in others it’s entirely fresh and divergent. Despite all that, when I really ask myself about what’s going on, the words that speak the most to me are opportunity, exploration and growth. Continue reading “Movement and Growth”