Get out alone, into the wilderness, at least a week… Advice spoken by a ture friend that has echoed in my mind over the last few months. Words I’ve known and felt before, but coming from him they sounded like a clear bell that could split the fog. Near the end of the winter, my friend and his wife invited me over for dinner. We shared a simple, delecious meal and then talked. I cried. They offered support and well wishes for the season ahead. The snow began to melt and we parted ways. But the words remained.
I guess I’m a procrastinator. In a lot of ways, I like to think I get shit done, but really, it’s a lot of putting off, prioritizing, and starting projects to figure out which are the ones worth finishing. As an Airies, nothing is better than starting something new, but sometimes woking on or finishing projects can get tedious and frustrating. The creative stage never fails to deliver mystery and excitement.
On the road for a month, his words reverberated. I was living out of a van with a friend, skiing, surfing, hot springs. Nearly every night we slept under the starts, or mostly snow. Wasn’t that close enough? Days spent walking to snow line, nights spent sleeping in a smelly bag. Sure I wasn’t solo, but with one or two close friends, the experience was raw and revealing, as traveling and climbning mountains can be, yet I knew it wasn’t the same. I comforted myself with the reassurance that at some point I’d make time for myself and honor the impact of my friends advice.
But it just never happened.
Maybe I was scared of what I’d find, or what I wouldn’t find. Either way I just never made the time, filled it, emtied it, distracted myself, spent a night or two here a night or two there. I started to travel, among thousands at an airport I felt alone, could this count, could this work to reaquaint my self? The ingrediends were there, but I knew it was only a wilderness in a mocking sense. The words burned in my mind like a dim candle that would not go out.
I made it out for another overnight last week. It wasn’t some big solo thing but it was more alone than I’d felt in a long time, and I loved it. I felt that dim candle light something, gain strengh and illuminate some things I’d forgotten, and a few I never knew. Travelling alone is like this, at times you’re terrified and lonely, others confident and solo. Gaining this confidence and illumination is the reward of solo travel in the wilderness, amongst others.
I still haven’t practiced my firends words of advice, but at least I’m closer to feeling their importance, and planning for the time I’ll need. I don’t know where or when, or even how I’ll make it happen, but I know now I must, that it’s the best way to understand your self, and come to terms with fears, emotions, and character flaws you might otherwise hide or ignore.
Thanks to my friend for helping me stay on path, or reminding me where it is… either way I’m a little more concious of my direction, my actions and my movement, and sometimes, even when you’ve got a long ways ahead of you, the best you can do is just watch where you take your next step.
